Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize