Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
