I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Randomize
