The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
Randomize
