How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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