What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
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