that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
she smelled like a LAN party
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
Are my feet made of real feet?
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Randomize
