Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
