How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Randomize
