If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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