If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I have no idea what that means but I'm googling things just so I can watch my thumbs move
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Randomize
