I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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