you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
