I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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