i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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