And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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