also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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