So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
