he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
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