I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Randomize
