i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
