drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
