The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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