You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
