he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
