Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I am midnight drunk by noon
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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