I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
