can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
Randomize