ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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