Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
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