Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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