I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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