After last night, I could never be a politician.
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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