i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
i believe in u and ur pee
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
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