please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
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