I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Randomize
