The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
