There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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