Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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