the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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