You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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