I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Liz is crying about burritos again.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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