Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize