i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize