i permit you to call me
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Randomize
