I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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