The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
