I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
