Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Randomize
