saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
then he tried to convert me to islam
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
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