He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
