This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
We just shotgunned beers for America
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
