You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
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