I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
