I think my fart just growled at me.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Evryone should know as good ramen noodle cooked in beer sounds... its not
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
