I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Randomize
