I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.
what was she crying about?
i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
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