I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
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